Equality vs. Equitability In Blended Families …
This is a touchy subject. One you may find yourself battling quite often in a blended family scenario. If you have ever found yourself in a fight with your spouse or current partner about what your kids get vs. their kids get and the “fairness” of your household then you probably have this problem too.
I think it all came to a rather abrupt change for my household when my husband won his motion to modify parenting time, proving parental alienation in his case and ultimately being given sole custody by the courts. We had an idea of how that might look in our heads and it has been nothing even close to what we imagined.
My biological children are older than my youngest step-son by 3-6 years in age. My step-son is also neurodivergent with a lot of difficulty managing behaviors, social cues, impulsive decisions, knowing right from wrong, lying…. My biological children most definitely are not innocent in their own behaviors either, however the gap in age and the neurodivergence gives rise to a different set of rules for each child… These are not always seen as equitable according to age, maturity level and ability. Often times it comes down to the battle of equality. My husband in the beginning had an idea that everyone in the household ( meaning the minor children) should be across the board the same, same bedtime, same chores, same phone and internet access, same amount of screen time, same allowable activities or freedoms to venture out alone. The reality for me became this mindset is not fair. My children did not have a cell phone at that age, now they do. This doesnt mean my step son who is 3 years younger also needs a cell phone. In fact he proved that he is NOT under any circumstance ready to manage the outside world via a cell phone.
Having the ability to come together on a solution takes work and practice. It is absolutely possible to compromise and ensure that the stress of blending two families together doesn’t impact the children’s relationship with ALL parents involved including step-parents. How many blended families are struggling with what is fair and equal vs. what is fair and equitable?
